You know that moment when you’re trapped in a meeting that should’ve been an email, watching a coworker passionately debate font choices like it’s the Nuremberg Trials? Or when your aunt texts you a conspiracy theory about birds not being real… again?

Turns out, humanity isn’t broken—it’s just wildly inconsistent. As a product manager, I torture myself daily with grids ranking features by “effort vs. value.” But last Tuesday, while rage-eating a granola bar in a supply closet, I thought: Why not rate PEOPLE this way?

Introducing the Niceness vs. Competence Matrix—the same logic we use to kill bad product ideas, now applied to humans. Finally, a scientific way to categorize:

• The coworker who “fixes” the printer by karate-chopping it
• Your neighbor who mows your lawn “as a surprise” (RIP your tulips)
• That friend who still can’t adult but brings emotional support tacos

Consider this your field guide to a species that invented quantum physics and Crocs™. Let’s sort humanity into four quadrants—so you can stop wondering “Is it them… or is it me?” (Spoiler: It’s them.)

“The Human Matrix: A Field Guide to Surviving Earth’s Oddest Creatures”

Ever tried herding cats? Welcome to product management, where we rank features by effort and value. But what if we applied this logic to people? Buckle up—we’re plotting humanity on a chart of niceness vs. competence. Spoiler: It’s like a zoo, but with Wi-Fi.

Quadrant 1: The Golden Unicorns
These mythical beings are equal parts sunshine and skill. They’ll fix your Wi-Fi and bring you soup when you’re sick. Treat them like rare Pokémon—catch one, and you’ll spend the rest of your life bragging about it. Pro tip: Bribe them with coffee. They run on caffeine and goodwill.

Quadrant 2: The Baby Giraffes (aka Potential Stars)
All heart, wobbly legs. They’ll accidentally delete your spreadsheet but apologize so earnestly you’ll wonder if you’re the jerk. Nurture them with patience and maybe a GPS tracker. One day, they’ll grow into majestic creatures… or at least stop spilling coffee on the keyboard.

Quadrant 3: The Geniuses Who Missed Nap Time
These folks could code a rocket but would fight a vending machine over a stuck Snickers. High skill, low chill. Handle with caution: Offer praise like “Your work is astonishing” (flattery disarms them) and keep a safe distance during full moons.

Quadrant 4: The Human Equivalent of Expired Coupons
Low effort, lower ROI. They’re the reason “mute” buttons and witness protection exist. Smile politely, then ghost them harder than a Tinder date who says “I’m really into NFTs.”

The Takeaway?
Life’s a chaotic RPG. Collect your Golden Unicorns, coach your Baby Giraffes, arm-wrestle the Geniuses into self-awareness, and avoid the Expired Coupons like they’re selling timeshares. And remember: Protect your peace like it’s the last slice of pizza. 🍕

(Now go forth and categorize responsibly. No refunds if you accidentally put your boss in Quadrant 4.)